Many of you are probably familiar with the “boy sober” trend on social media. This trend was popularized by comedian Hope Woodard, who shared her decision to go "boy sober" as a New Year's resolution. Thus, to go “boy sober,” much like one might take a break from drinking after a heavy season of partying, involves individuals, particularly women, taking a deliberate break from dating, relationships, and sexual encounters to focus on their own personal growth and self-care.
As a single woman in her early 30s, this trend makes total sense to me. Dating can be exhausting no matter what gender you identify with or are sexually attracted to. It makes sense that people need to take a break from the constant bombardment of messages on dating apps and lackluster, awkward first dates. In other words, dating can be very demoralizing, no matter what side of the spectrum you are on.
Yet, with that being said, I think the “boy sober” trend reflects something much deeper on an archetypal level for modern-day women. It’s not simply a desire to take a break from dating men. It’s a desire to DECENTER them. In other words, it reflects a desire for women to establish and understand themselves outside of the world of men. Which is hard to do given that we live in a patriarchal society that inherently centers men’s experiences. There aren’t many opportunities for women to know themselves or even what they are attracted to in a partner. What they like or what they don’t like. Or even have the chance to explore their own sexual preferences, which may extend beyond traditional heteronormative notions of attraction.
Thus, I propose that the boy sober movement is really a desire for women to seek out and find their own Avalon.
What is Avalon?
If you are not familiar with the term Avalon, it is a fictional place inspired by Irish and Scottish Celtic lore. These were two cultures that historically practiced goddess-based worship until the Middle Ages when the Church and Christianity eventually established themselves as the dominant religion. Or at least that is what the history books tell us. From this time period, we see the myth of King Arthur and his quest for the Holy Grail arise, which is a metaphor for how Britons attempted to fight off the Saxons from claiming their lands, though eventually, the Saxons would win, establishing the country and surrounding territories we know today as the United Kingdom.
Mists of Avalon by Margaret Carpenter Arnett
In other words, the Saxons colonized much of Ireland, Scotland, Wales, and surrounding areas and attempted to abolish their “pagan” worship of the goddess. Moreover, they attempted to do this through myths and stories, as many cultures throughout history have done. Thus, King Arthur became a symbol to convert the local communities and individuals in these areas to adopt Christian values and teachings.
This is particularly interesting, given that the myth of King Arthur began as a Celtic myth, and Arthur was said to be a British defender of the Saxons. However, overtime the Church realized that to win the favor of the local people inhabiting these lands, they needed to adapt their stories to fit their patriarchal teachings, which emphasized a male almighty God, rather than the workshop of the Goddess.
Thus, Arthur was said to be a Christian king who brought Christianity to Ireland and the surrounding countries he ruled over.
Ok…But what about Avalon?!
In 1983, author Marion Zimmer Bradley wrote The Mists of Avalon based on her understanding of Celtic history, the King Arthur legends, and goddess-worshipping healing practices, which were becoming increasingly popular throughout the 1970s to early 80s. In it she retells the Arthurian legends, not from the perspective of the men of King Arthur’s court like so many of us are familiar with, but from the perspective of the female characters in the story. In particular, her book focuses on the character Morgaine (later known as Morgan le Fay), who is a priestess of Avalon and Arthur’s half-sister.
Throughout the book, Morgaine/Morgan is responsible for ensuring that the Goddess remains present in the land of men or the mortal/physical realm (i.e., modern society). Thus, from a metaphorical sense, we all live in a world of men because our modern society reflects masculine values and belief systems, like Christianity, which are embedded into so many facets of our culture, laws, morals, and traditions. Moreover, it reinforces the need to center men and their experiences, which young girls learn to do at early ages through their dating experiences.
However, in Bradley’s book, there is another world. The world of women, or Avalon. Which only women or those men who pledge their loyalty to the Goddess can enter. This land is far off the beaten path and appears usually in a dream-like state to the characters who are able to cross over. Thus from a depth psychology perspective, I argue that Avalon is our subconscious wisdom. It is the part of us connected to our intuition and creativity. Therefore, it represents the feminine, which has been historically linked to women and the subconscious.
Moreover, as a scholar on feminine forms of healing, I argue women need this mythical place, because it represents the part of us that has not been tainted by patriarchy. It is our own make-believe world, where we can become our own Goddesses and decide for ourselves who we are and what we want.
Thus, I argue the “boy sober” movement is less about a rejection of men, but rather a desire for women to return to the feminine and find their own worth within. To embody the Goddess for themselves and define themselves on their own terms.
The Mists of Avalon by *prairiekittin on deviantART
Now, of course, just as Morgaine realizes in the Mists of Avalon, women can not stay in Avalon forever, as much as we might like to. Eventually, Morgaine understands that she must return to the land of men and have relationships with them to fulfill her mission. However, the trick is to learn how to navigate both of these worlds. The conscious world of men and the unconscious world of our intuition, and to find men (whether they serve as romantic partners, friends, family members, or colleagues) who respect the feminine parts of us and our desire to be seen wholly as we are.
OX
Your Dark Fairy Godmother
Interested in accessing your own Avalon?? This is an activity we will do in my upcoming course on the Goddess-Witch Spectrum™. Check out the flyer below and link to sign up!
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